NEW ORLEANS, LA–Building off the enthusiasm from recent billionaire frontier exploration, the space race between Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, and Elon Musk, Microsoft Co-Founder Bill Gates and Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg are taking things in a different direction — to the center of the Earth.
“The Big Easy, baby. We’re starting about as close to Hell as it gets,” declared a newly-single, shirtless, hard hat-wearing Bill Gates from the outer rim of a giant hole in New Orleans’ French Quarter. “I invented the Internet,” he lied, “I’m pretty goddamn sure I can handle digging a big hole to the center of the Earth.” When pressed for answers about ‘why’, Gates replied with steadfast adoration for Journey To The Center Of The Earth — the Brendan Fraser film, not the classic Jules Verne novel. “A lot of folks say The Mummy was peak Brendan Fraser, or even George Of The Jungle, but for me it’s always been Journey To The Center Of The Earth,” Gates clarified, “or maybe Airheads.”
“I’m a big fan of New Orleans human food cooking,” explained Mark Zuckerberg when asked why he also chose New Orleans to dig his hole. For Mark, the mission is a much more personal one, “I’m hoping to find my family. My real family. If my algorithm is correct, I have reason to believe they’re being held captive somewhere near the Earth’s core,” Mark continued, “I suspect Eduardo Saverin is behind this.” He refused to elaborate further, citing anything else as classified information only for members of his private Facebook group, called ‘Mark’s Family Rescue Mission #2’.
Neither provided any comment on how two massive holes might impact the residents of New Orleans.