BROOKLINE, MA–For nearly six decades, the death of president John F. Kennedy has been at the center of conspiracy and debate. On Monday, a new theory emerged. In what should prove a momentous breakthrough in the heated American vaccine debate, old medical records from JFK’s living years uncovered a history of reckless vaccination, with most Facebook users raising concerns over the polio vaccine in particular.
“He had no idea what he was putting in his body,” explained Dr. Sid Jones while choking down a strawberry Pocky stick. “How can you even approach the topic of cause of death without questioning every piece of mundane information we have at our disposal? It all ties back to that ‘what if?’ question. What if the polio vaccine made his head explode?” the PhD of Japanese Animation Studies continued. “Question everything. Do your research.”
For many anti-vaxxers this was exactly the type of validation they sought. “I didn’t get the polio vaccine and I’m still alive. Tells you all you need to know,” Tik-Tok star Needle Williams reflected. “If I didn’t do my research and go get some rando-ass polio vaccine, then maybe I get sick or lose my legs and I can’t do my famous dances that made me an international sensation.”
And the polio shot was only the tip of the iceberg for Kennedy’s problematic medical history, with records disclosing vaccinations for everything from tuberculosis to tetanus — a sure sign that all vaccines could be lethal. “And that is why I will not get the COVID-19 vaccine,” Senator Rand Paul relayed to his followers. “I don’t want my head to explode, and neither should you.”