WINDSOR, ENGLAND–While New York Governor Andrew Cuomo expertly sidestepped sexual harassment allegations with his Italian defense, Prince Andrew listened. Hearing Cuomo describe a typical Italian upbringing of hugging, kissing, and general touching, Prince Andrew suddenly remembered something: he is also Italian. Facing ongoing accusation of sexual abuse, this could prove just the evidence needed to prove his innocence.
“I had completely forgotten. My mother is hardcore Italian. She always made sure there was so much pasta, pizza, Peroni, and a lot of affection around the home,” Prince Andrew said of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. “There was frequent, hugging, kissing, genitalia grab, you know, the usual Italian lovey-dovey type of stuff.”
The English Monarchy was previously believed to be English, but Andrew remained quite insistent when questioned further about his Italian childhood. “We’d have big, Italian parties with extended family, and watch Italian football. I’d eat Italian ice. Fellini. Juventus. Mussolini.” The Duke of York then turned silent, appearing to run out of Italian things to list off.
“Basically. If you call me a sexual abuser, then you better arrest all of Italy,” he concluded.