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College Freshman Struggling To Stretch 5-Paragraph Essay Structure Into 10-Page Midterm Paper

ANN ARBOR, MI–Kierstyn MacDonald is a freshman sociology major at the University of Michigan. She’s confident that her private high school education in New Hampshire prepared her for everything college could throw her way — except getting into Dartmouth College, her dream school. Still, Kierstyn has been eagerly plowing through her first semester’s workload as […]

Conservative Think Tank Anxiously Awaits First Snow To Point Out Global Warming Can’t Be Real

Arlington Heights, IL–The transition from sweltering summer heat into autumn-time sweater weather brings something different to everyone. For some, it means pumpkin spice lattes, corn mazes, and hayrides. For James M. Taylor, president of a conservative think tank, The Heartland Institute, the seasonal change signals something of a busy season. “We’re getting ready for showtime, […]

‘What’s This To Do With Labour Shortages?’ Prime Minister Boris Johnson Baffled By Breakfast Criticisms

LONDON, ENGLAND–Amid ongoing political and social unrest in the United Kingdom, one narrative has persisted for as long as Prime Minister Boris Johnson can remember being in office: breakfast. From where he stands, it seems the people have taken a hard stance against the most important meal of the day and are mysteriously blaming it […]

Man Softens Anti-Mask Stance After Catching Whiff Of Taco Bell Bathroom

NASHVILLE, TN–Michael Carmichael knows his rights when he sees them. As an American, one of those God-given rights is the freedom of choice to not comply with anything the CDC or any branch of government deems helpful or necessary to public health. Wearing a mask is one such example of something Michael absolutely will not […]

Child Born During Pandemic Has No Idea How To Order From Physical Food Menu

SAN DIEGO, CA–Local baby, Penny Gurriel, stepped out for a Sunday brunch with her family following a beautiful morning service at St. Martin’s church. Father Gabriel was really on his game this week, so everyone was in a considerably better mood than usual. However, as Penny’s mind shifted from homily to hollandaise, she encountered a […]

Woman Impressed By Implications Of Date’s Athlete’s Foot

DALLAS, TX–Cassie Dalrymple is no rookie to the dating game. Now approaching 30, she’s grown increasingly frustrated with the assortment of men she’s gone out with over the years, and most never make it past the first date these days. Cassie feels there’s no time to waste anymore, so if she doesn’t hit it off […]

‘Beggars Can’t Be Choosers’ Declares Man Generously Donating His Incomplete Candyland Set To Children’s Hospital

TACOMA, WA–Franklin Ferguson is a hard-working, 9-5 grinder with barely enough time for himself most days. But that doesn’t stop him from taking the time to extend his generosity to the sick kids at the Sea-Tac Children’s Hospital. Franklin Ferguson is a man of his principles, and one of those principles is charity — the […]

‘It Was ‘Darius’ In The Script’ Daniel Radcliffe Claims He Ad-Libbed Voldemort’s Name For The Movie

LONDON, UK–The lore surrounding the Harry Potter universe, both literary and cinematic, never ceases to surprise with each new nugget of information that filters through over time. We recently caught up with Daniel Radcliffe, the star of the film franchise, to hear his thoughts on the experience nearly 20 years after the first film’s 2001 […]

Terrifying New Halloween Maze Takes Participants Through American Healthcare System

UNIVERSAL CITY, CA–There’s always news scares when Universal Studios Hollywood’s annual Halloween Horror Nights returns and 2021 is no exception. This year’s debut attractions are headlined by a horrifying new maze called The American Healthcare System. The maze will take participants through every layer of the typical American healthcare system experience. First, participants are either hit by […]

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